A Letter To the Future Me One Year After

25 March 2016

Dear Janine,

Hi! It’s 25 March 2016, almost three years after you and the love of your life became ‘on’, three months after your dad died from an accident, fourth month without a job, almost two years after graduation.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry if I lost my desire and passion with those years. I don’t know what I want to do. I don’t know.

I have too many rejected job applications. I now smoke. I drink liquor. Those things I promised you I’d never do, I’m addicted in doing those now.

I’m always absent-minded, always mad, always in a hurry. It’s 2016 and I suck at my life.

I now know Jesus but most of the time (like 10 out of 10 times) He doesn’t talk back. I’m depressed like I’ve always been.

I just like to say that it’s okay if, at 2017, you still love that person. I can’t force you to unlove that person. What is life without love? Even not reciprocated. I know you love that person. And it’s okay to cry if that person gets another lover,  married,  if that person falls in love with somebody you’ll never be. It’s okay to cry.

It’s okay if most of your life will fall apart. But it’s not okay if you lose the capacity to have hope in yourself.

I really hope you are living on your own now, and you’re working at an enterprise you enjoy working with.

But mostly, I really hope you will be happy.

Most of these days I want to die but I don’t kill myself because I respect the One who gave my life to me and because I’m hoping that one day, one morning when I wake up, I’ll be happy. The dawn is always ardent, isn’t it?

That’s all. Yep, that Janine. has a period in the end.

PS. I’m looking forward in spending a day with you in a far away land, without worries, without limits.

Love and hope,
Janine.

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