Four Strokes

Then there are times

That I just fell into yesterday



Suicide Will Just Create Another Monster

These days depression has finally gotten the attention it deserves.

But of course it is not through good news at all. I just want to share a message especially to the younger ones battling this condition, a condition that can’t be seen but is as real as cancer, malaria, or any fatal disease you always here about.

We know that Nadine Lustre’s brother did suicide primarily because of a heartbreak. He was 16 years old and had loved that special person for four years. No one can say that what he or you feel, no matter how young or old are you, isn’t real. There’s no contending the fact that it’s love. And maybe you’ll never love thay way again, that’s why it hurts so much. That’s the truth. You’ll keep on getting older and older and you’ll never forget that love. And you will always regret that you had let it go. That’s the truth and I did not sugarcoated it for you.

But life is more than that. Life is more meaningful when you have scars. Those scars remind you that you were alive, and you are still alive. Give it a couple of years. Depression won’t go, yes, but life will unfold in front of you. And you bet you’ll say, that it’s worth it.

I’d like to tell you that suicide will just pass the sadness to your other family members and friends. You’ll pass the guilt. Suicide is not the end. It is just the start of another monster inside a person, a monster so real it will live with him or her forever. I’ve been there, and my depression doesn’t solely come from heartbreaks alone. But I’m glad I choose to be alive. I hope you will be, too.


Safe Skies

What would our friends say if we get back together?

Though we never admitted having a relationship.

What could have happened if we never parted?

Though we knew that it was all going downhill then.

I still ask what ifs, I still think of us.

I still check how had you been

Four years after we called it quits.

And I can’t understand why

Despite having a good life now

Why can’t I let you go?

Of course I had let you go

Physically, emotionally.

But something here inside me

Is still waiting,

Why am I still waiting?

Why do I still care?

I kind of hope that you and I will meet someday

In the midst of our busy lives and rocketing careers

And maybe then I’ll know the answer

And maybe then you’ll start to question again.


Safe and sound…of the bullets

I’ve never been so afraid to be in the streets when it’s already dark, except now. Boy, girl, student, professional, brother, sister, father and mother… All are gunned to death by the ongoing war on drugs by Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte.

Instead of feeling safe, I feel afraid when there are police officers, the people capacitated by the government to run after and kill the so-called ‘drug addicts’.

What did we do to be here now?



Can’t move on from the fact that we are no longer in high school, happy with street foods.

Can’t move on from the fact that people slip away from your life.

Can’t understand why life needs to be so fast-paced after college.

Can’t comprehend why, or how, but I know that I need to come up with its pace.

I’d been a spoiled child and now, oh well now, I can’t even spoil myself.

Been a depending child and now, I need to depend on myself.

Always thought that I will never change, but my life did.


Can’t Come Up With a Title

I don’t know if it’s because I’m sad and mad (as always) or because I’ve been clean for nine months now, but I’m dying to have another cigarette again.

My withdrawal from smoking didn’t came abrupt. I lessened my consumption from 3 sticks each lunch break, 1 in the morning and 1 after work to 1 each day, as I remember.

Nevertheless I occasionally dream of smoking. Yes, I dream about smoking. Probably because smoking was a thing I wanted to try when I was younger but I didn’t do and them some things fucked up my life after college so I tried it.

I tried it and I love every puff of it.

Maybe smoking is like those things in life you’ve always wanted, got them, freed them, and ended up wanting them again.

Maybe smoking is like those things you didn’t do any wrong to, but end up in your dreams, even if you’re wide awake.

Smoking is like those things you love but haunts you.

Like you.


2:25 AM GMT+8

I just had myself a registration form for organ donation. I know that the next of kin’s permission would still be prioritized but I would like to say that that decision is purely voluntary. At least here in my blog, it would be publicly published and people who know me can check out the authenticity anytime.

It’s not that I’m dying, or I’m planning to commit suicide. Few years ago I decided that before I return to dust and fertilize the plants, (yep you read that right, I’m also planning to make my ashes fertilizer when I die), it’s good if other people or science would benefit from whatever can be beneficial left from me.

I’m not afraid of dying, but the pain and sadness that comes with it- yes. I realized that we don’t hold any secured time so we have to make do of what we got. I hope to be beneficial for others someday, but I hope it will be not soon! 😅