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Suicide Will Just Create Another Monster

These days depression has finally gotten the attention it deserves.

But of course it is not through good news at all. I just want to share a message especially to the younger ones battling this condition, a condition that can’t be seen but is as real as cancer, malaria, or any fatal disease you always here about.

We know that Nadine Lustre’s brother did suicide primarily because of a heartbreak. He was 16 years old and had loved that special person for four years. No one can say that what he or you feel, no matter how young or old are you, isn’t real. There’s no contending the fact that it’s love. And maybe you’ll never love thay way again, that’s why it hurts so much. That’s the truth. You’ll keep on getting older and older and you’ll never forget that love. And you will always regret that you had let it go. That’s the truth and I did not sugarcoated it for you.

But life is more than that. Life is more meaningful when you have scars. Those scars remind you that you were alive, and you are still alive. Give it a couple of years. Depression won’t go, yes, but life will unfold in front of you. And you bet you’ll say, that it’s worth it.

I’d like to tell you that suicide will just pass the sadness to your other family members and friends. You’ll pass the guilt. Suicide is not the end. It is just the start of another monster inside a person, a monster so real it will live with him or her forever. I’ve been there, and my depression doesn’t solely come from heartbreaks alone. But I’m glad I choose to be alive. I hope you will be, too.

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Slumpmässig

Can’t move on from the fact that we are no longer in high school, happy with street foods.

Can’t move on from the fact that people slip away from your life.

Can’t understand why life needs to be so fast-paced after college.

Can’t comprehend why, or how, but I know that I need to come up with its pace.

I’d been a spoiled child and now, oh well now, I can’t even spoil myself.

Been a depending child and now, I need to depend on myself.

Always thought that I will never change, but my life did.

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Can’t Come Up With a Title

I don’t know if it’s because I’m sad and mad (as always) or because I’ve been clean for nine months now, but I’m dying to have another cigarette again.

My withdrawal from smoking didn’t came abrupt. I lessened my consumption from 3 sticks each lunch break, 1 in the morning and 1 after work to 1 each day, as I remember.

Nevertheless I occasionally dream of smoking. Yes, I dream about smoking. Probably because smoking was a thing I wanted to try when I was younger but I didn’t do and them some things fucked up my life after college so I tried it.

I tried it and I love every puff of it.

Maybe smoking is like those things in life you’ve always wanted, got them, freed them, and ended up wanting them again.

Maybe smoking is like those things you didn’t do any wrong to, but end up in your dreams, even if you’re wide awake.

Smoking is like those things you love but haunts you.

Like you.

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2:25 AM GMT+8

I just had myself a registration form for organ donation. I know that the next of kin’s permission would still be prioritized but I would like to say that that decision is purely voluntary. At least here in my blog, it would be publicly published and people who know me can check out the authenticity anytime.

It’s not that I’m dying, or I’m planning to commit suicide. Few years ago I decided that before I return to dust and fertilize the plants, (yep you read that right, I’m also planning to make my ashes fertilizer when I die), it’s good if other people or science would benefit from whatever can be beneficial left from me.

I’m not afraid of dying, but the pain and sadness that comes with it- yes. I realized that we don’t hold any secured time so we have to make do of what we got. I hope to be beneficial for others someday, but I hope it will be not soon! 😅

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Blog ko ‘to’ di ba?

Mabuti naman at may trabaho na ako. May tumanggap sa akin bilang writer. At sa malapit pa sa amin. Sa dinami-rami ng pinagexaman at pinaginterviewhan ko, dun pa sa puro q and a lang ako nakapasok. Yung boss ko parang magka level lang kami. Di ko siya mina-ma’am.

Start ko na sa August. Sa wakas may silbi na naman ako sa pamilya namin. Makakapagbigay na naman ako ng pambayad sa internet, cable, gas at tubig.

Pero sa gitna ng pang araw-araw kong pagpasok, pagbibigay sa magulang at paminsan-minsang pagkain sa gusto kong fast food, ano ako? 

Anong ginagawa ko para sa sarili ko? Saan ako papunta? 

Nag chat yung kaibigan ko sa akin kanina. Nawalan na raw siya ng passion, balisà raw siya. Ako yung tipo ng kaibigan na papayuhan kita o tutulungan kita sa abot ng makakaya ko, pero sabi ko sa kaniya, this time, I can’t help you. Kasi ako rin niyan, nasa kalagayan mo rin ako. Tatlong taon na. At hindi ko alam kung paano kita tutulungan kasi di ko rin matulungan ang sarili ko. 

Akala ko nung college, madali lang maging successful. Papasok ako sa magandang kumpanya, magiging best employee ako. Puta di pala. Pero sabi ng girlfriend ko successful naman ako sa ibang bagay. Naging government employee kasi ako at may mangilan-ngilang nagsabi sa akin ng pasasalamat kasi natulungan ko sila, outbound sa job description ko. Dun daw ako successful. Sabi ko siguro nga. 

Ang tagal ko ng di alam kung saan ako papunta. O siguro alam ko pero di ko gustong kumilos. Nung bata ako nadiagnosed ko yung sarili ko with depression, meron kasi kaming Reader’s Digest nun na may ganung quiz. Hanggang ngayon di pa ako nagagamot.

May blog post ako dito dati na dapat talaga mag s shift ako nung college. To psychology. Pangarap ko talagang maging psychologist. Para sa ibang tao, oo. Kalimitan naman ng mga desisyon ko these past, matured years eh para sa ibang tao. Like pagpasok sa government. Pero gusto ko rin kasing gamutin yung sarili ko sana. Alam ko kasing may sakit ako, yung sakit na di nakikita, pero habambuhay na.

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When I Lost You

I lost the power of using words

Rhythmic with music

When I lost you. 

I had not touched my pen

My tears had dried on my paper

Since the last time I touched you. 

I lost the wonder of writing

The joy of living

The love for everything 

When I lost you.